Bigger Than Me

No matter what you believe in, if anything at all, there are some things in this world that just don't make any sense.

On a daily basis, we encounter varying levels of loss both directly and indirectly.  In the last 24 hours alone,  my friend lost her baby at 35 weeks before she could even meet her, my brother lost a friend who was in his early 30's, and my grandmother diagnosed with terminal cancer.

None of these things make sense.  Yet somehow, we are able to grapple with some losses more effectively than others.  With vastly different levels of understanding and depths of grief, my simple human mind has struggled to wrap itself around why things happen the way that they do.  I've successfully rationalized some of these events.  And others... well, they are simply beyond my human comprehension.

As I tried to organize my thoughts and settle in with the heaviness of it all, different people in my life provided me with perspectives that gave me additional room for exploration.  One person suggested that we are just puppets to God or some higher being, and that things just "happen".  Another questioned why, if there is in fact a God, would He or She allow these things to happen in the first place.  Still another hinted that God is angry and trying to get our attention.

The only thing I do know for sure is that this is all so very much bigger than I am.  And the only thing that I can do is hold on to the belief that there is, in fact, a bigger plan that my simplicity cannot begin to understand.

I cannot fathom that any of these losses, be it the hundreds of thousands who perished in Haiti or the loss of life's dreams due to an unexpected accident, are futile.  I personally cannot believe that these things arbitrarily happen or are allowed to happen without purpose.  Do I know what that purpose or reason is? Absolutely not... which is why loss, in any form, is such a difficult emotion to process.

If I follow my religious upbringing, it actually does (surprisingly) give me some answers.  I don't expect these answers to work for everyone, much in the same way that I don't believe that God is the same God for me that He is for the Buddhist Monk or the person who practices the Bahai faith.  I personally believe that God, or whatever higher being you want to believe in, is fundamentally good, and that He (She) comes to each of us where we are, when we are ready.

I do not think that the God I believe in has "made" any of these things happen.  I do, however, think that he does allow consequences to happen that result from choices made by human free will that we cannot even begin to understand.  That's why so much of faith in a higher being is rooted in mystery.  Now, if you're a scientifically  minded individual, this doesn't work for you.  I, however, am not.  And this is what I believe.

What I find so incredible is that when we are blessed with a miracle, we are thankful, joyful, and accept it without question.  There are people who survived the earthquake that, by all scientific and medical accounts, shouldn't have survived.  There are children who recover from tragic accidents completely unscathed.  "Miracles" happen every day.  These events are cause for praise and rejoicing.   We don't ask why.  We don't question how.  Often times, we greedily accept these gifts with a passing word of thanksgiving and move on to the next event.

But loss...

It is so much easier to react to loss with blame, anger, and resentment.  It makes so much more sense to dwell on the ways that we have been wronged and the unfairness of it all.  No matter how you slice it, the loss of a parent, child, friend, expectation, or dream hurts.  And as human beings, we react to pain with fury.

I don't have any answers.  What I believe is this: there is something that is bigger than I am at work in the world.  I don't understand it, and I don't always agree with the consequences.   But ultimately, I cannot control the actions of others and therefore, I'm not the one in control.  And sometimes, that means I have to learn to live in the uncertain space that comes with the gifts and the losses... no matter how difficult that might be.

Love, hugs, and blessings,
The Mama